This is for you Tyler.
Don’t get me wrong, I love Taco Bell. A lot. I don’t care if it IS only 30-something% beef.
I. DO. NOT. CARE.
But the other evening, I was sitting in Taco Bell on State St., stuffing my face with my fifth taco, and I made an observation.
The messages on the sauce packets… are sort of perfect for describing what will happen to you when you eat Taco Bell every day, or twice in one day, or for a long period of time. They are like little fortune-sauces.
“I’m single… are you?” -What will happen to me if I continue to eat here twice a day.
“Let me slip out of these wet clothes.” -What happened to me because I spilled nacho cheese over my entire body.
“Why are you staring at me?” -Because I now weigh 700 lbs.
“That’s my ticklish spot.” -My ticklish spot has expanded with my ever-growing physique.
“Is it me, or is it hot in here?” -It’s me. Like I said, I now weigh 700 lbs.
“Guess it’s just you and me now.” -Because no one else will have me. BTW Abbi, you have cheese on your face.
“I have a feeling this is going to go badly for me.” -I thought right. What happened to me because I spent all my time and money at Taco Bell and never got a job or exercised.
“Wait, I want to remember you like this.” -Right before I weighed 700lbs.
“When I grow up, I want to be a bottle.” -Bottle-shaped. Taco Bell goes straight to your ass.
“Dibs on the taco.” -What I scream at everyone around me, which is why I no longer have friends.
So, no I am not passing judgement on anyone who eats Taco Bell. It is a staple in my life.